open ≠ closed

So, I had intended to leave this blog to float around, like a coconut swept out to sea after a hurricane, through the inter-fishing-nets simply as a memoir of my travels during the summer of 2006 and nothing more.  Sort of a time capsule.  I wasn't sure why I had written it in the first place. 

 

I guess it was because, people... friends really, had quite literally demanded it of me.  Funny, on my last two major travels abroad I had written long emails to a large number of people but that wasn't good enough this time.  It crossed my mind that even though the emails were far more personal and open, they weren't what was now demanded socially. 

 

Is this because the emails couldn't have public running comentary?  Not that my blog ever really did, but is it?  I can't really think of any other reason.  The emails were just as (if not more so) simple to receive and could contain pictures as well (in fact, gmail was far easier for some reason to upload to when dealing with third world internet connections).  Was it that the values of my interested parties had changed so much as to perfer reading my thoughts and misadventures in a more public forum?  Is it possible that they perfered the public, communal nature of a blog (even if no one ever read it) over the intimate more (albeit, slightly) personalized email?  Or was, "you have to write a blog about it" just the "in" thing to say in the spring of 2006?  Maybe we really are all robots.  Open circuit vs. closed circuit.

But as to why continue it?  Well, I guess for number of reasons.  I've come to realize that I have some things I'd like to say in a public, permanent forum from time to time.  I write regularly in a couple journals and fill notebooks with poems, lyrics, designs and song ideas, but I wanted to be able have my own (imaginary) bullhorn.  I have wrestled with this desire in myself for many years.  I was taught in my childhood (implicitly if not overtly) to disregard my desires, particularly those that others called "selfish".  My kinder-acceptance of this has spun a web of repression within my psyche to anything I really want or for that matter, am.  I am a performer, I have been since I was born.  I love the spotlight, I simply love to feel that energy pouring out into an audience, and if I'm lucky flowing right back.  I have opened my mind to the thought that there is no inherent wrong in this.  It's not selfish, it's not narcisistic, and even if it were, it's who I am.  I maybe a snake, so um, yeah, of course I bit you.  Duh, I'm a snake.  The world needs all types.  Except Penguins.  They're evil. 

A major counter-reason that has kept this blog post-less for so many months during my internal debate is the fact that it is just that: public.  Whoever wants to invade my head by reading this, can.  Well, this may seem like an incredibly overly-analytical, self-important and high-brow reason for continuing/not-continuing something so (in current western society) mundane as a personal blog, but: I want to be an (mostly) open person.  I think that one of the most basic differences in people, governments, social scenes was that they were either open of closed.  As I side note, I know this Either/Or statement over simplifies the discussion and puts things in a perspective that doesn't reflect the real world, but if we put aside the Kierkergaard for a minute, is has some useful analytical results.  Governments can be either open or closed (relatively).  Minds, art scences, skate board crews, burger joints, city council meetings, and liquor stores can all be either open or closed.  But not 7-11, they're always open. 

After a pause for thought, this is all bullshit, and I'll leave it at this: what I'm trying to get at is that I like the idea of attempting to be an "open" person because and "open" mental paradigm can accept and attempt to understand the existence of other (even "closed") paradigms.  A closed can not.  Open can tolerate other ideas, life styles, discussions, closed can not.  SO, yeah, a lot of mumbo-jumbo to preface the statement that I've come to some realizations that lead me to believe that I need to have a more open mind, personality and perspective.  Of course, tempered with the wisdom of Elliott Smith, "If it's your decision to be open about yourself, be careful or else, be careful or else".  Okay.  That was really narcisistic.  In a way.  In a way not really, because although, I am paranoid, there really are some people who are actually out to get me.  Some of them even think they love me.  But the only way I can really be destroyed is fear.  I think.  Maybe not.  Maybe if the penguins get me, I could be destroyed.

Whatever.  I'll post again.  Soon.  And I'll post something that doesn't explain why I'm posting.  I guess I had to get that off my chest before I started in on another things.  But I'm open for business.  Like 7-11.